What up, muh niggas? It's been a few days, so here's a review for you. As you all know, I live in the great dong of murrica. Florida is both a fantastic state and a cesspool of horrible shit at the same time. Today however, we look at what the weather is like by season here in Florida. I'm not talking about spring, summer, fall and winter because winter doesn't fucking exist here. No, I'm talking about seasons that are unique to Florida because of climate or length of time. I also decided to switch things up today and use more pictures because why the fuck not?
Perfect Weather Season (November-February)
For most of the world, November-February is winter. Not here. For 4 months or so, the weather here in Florida is damn near perfect. Yea, we get a few cold days here and there, but for the most part, we're looking at lows in the upper 40s and highs in the 60s (fuck the yuros, convert it to Celsius yourselves). I'm talking sunny, blue skies without a cloud in sight.
Perfect Weather Season (November-February)
For most of the world, November-February is winter. Not here. For 4 months or so, the weather here in Florida is damn near perfect. Yea, we get a few cold days here and there, but for the most part, we're looking at lows in the upper 40s and highs in the 60s (fuck the yuros, convert it to Celsius yourselves). I'm talking sunny, blue skies without a cloud in sight.
There is a downside to perfect weather season however. During these 4 months all the snowbirds come down here and make everything shitty. The northerners invade Florida because they are sick and tired of the cold, and clog up our roads (I swer, they all drive like old Asian women) and make everyday life much more unpleasant. I'm sorry your weather is so shit, but you wouldn't like it if a bunch of Floridians invaded the north during the summer because it's too fucking hot. We'll get to that later.
Warning Season (March-April)
"Warning season? What does that mean Dicksss?" What does it mean, you ask? Well, hold your horses, faggot, I'm getting to that. The weather during March and April is relatively nice. It warms up to the 70s most days and it's officially time to put away the jackets and bust out the shorts. Unfortunately, at this time of year, it's spring break for high school and college students in Murrica and >Canada. Given that it's still fucking cold wherever they live, these faggots all come to Florida to replace the snowbirds that decided to go back and dig their houses out of 35 feet of snow. For us Floridians, the weather is really nice and it's the perfect time to get back to the beach and enjoy the sun before it turns us into lobsters. WELL NOPE. THERE'S NO FUCKING ROOM ON THE BEACH FOR US. All those drunken faggot spring-breakers decide that nothing would please them more than taking nice things away from us. Daytona Beach is officially off limits during March and April. "But Dicksss, isn't Daytona Beach known as the 'World's most famous beach'? Isn't it always super packed?" No. God dammit. Daytona Beach got that reputation because of spring break. Here's an example of what I'm talking about.
Daytona Beach during the summer:
Warning Season (March-April)
"Warning season? What does that mean Dicksss?" What does it mean, you ask? Well, hold your horses, faggot, I'm getting to that. The weather during March and April is relatively nice. It warms up to the 70s most days and it's officially time to put away the jackets and bust out the shorts. Unfortunately, at this time of year, it's spring break for high school and college students in Murrica and >Canada. Given that it's still fucking cold wherever they live, these faggots all come to Florida to replace the snowbirds that decided to go back and dig their houses out of 35 feet of snow. For us Floridians, the weather is really nice and it's the perfect time to get back to the beach and enjoy the sun before it turns us into lobsters. WELL NOPE. THERE'S NO FUCKING ROOM ON THE BEACH FOR US. All those drunken faggot spring-breakers decide that nothing would please them more than taking nice things away from us. Daytona Beach is officially off limits during March and April. "But Dicksss, isn't Daytona Beach known as the 'World's most famous beach'? Isn't it always super packed?" No. God dammit. Daytona Beach got that reputation because of spring break. Here's an example of what I'm talking about.
Daytona Beach during the summer:
Daytona Beach during spring break:
FUCK THIS SHIT.
Summer Part 1 (May-July)
Well, summer is finally here in Florida and you might ask yourself, why does it start in May? It starts in May because that's when you go outside and your goddamn skin starts melting. For me, the first day of the year in which the temperature reaches 90 is similar to Pearl Harbor Day or September 11th. It's a day of mourning for me, where I remember how nice it was from November-most of April ;__;. Now, because Florida is a tropical-ish climate, we get a lot of rain to go along with our heat (except for 1998. Errthang wuz on fiyah, yo). Rain creates moisture in the air and because of that, we get a little thing called humidity. What is humidity? Well humidity is a creation of Satan made to ruze everyone into thinking 90 degrees isn't as bad as the dry 105 degree Arizona weather. Here's a better example of what humidity does. You're sitting inside in the AC nice and comfortable whilst watching some TV and getting a blowjob from Geld's mum. You realize that you left your phone in the car after you picked her up from the street corner. You go out and get your phone and come back in the house (this takes about 30 seconds). During this 30 seconds, you have entered the heat and humidity of a Florida summer. You are now drenched in sweat and have about a cup of swass swishing around your asshole. Time to hop in the shower again. Ask Geld's mum to join you.
Along with all this heat and humidity, you get Florida thunderstorms. What makes these different from normal thunderstorms? To start with, they happen pretty much everyday around 3-4 pm from May-September and they are violent as fuck. Florida is the lightning capital of Murrica for a reason. If you've never experienced a Florida summer thunderstorm, well good for you. It's pretty scary shit when the sky goes black at 4pm if you've never experienced it before. What follows is the worst 30 minutes of weather you've ever seen, complete with wind, torrential downpours, dundah and 6546576 lightning strikes per second. Of course, tornados often pop up, so if you're visiting, don't be surprised when a Floridian barely reacts to a severe thunderstorm and tornado warning. We're used to that shit. Immediately following a thunderstorm, the sky clears up and the sun comes out. Great, now all of that water on the ground can start steaming and you can now cook some pasta in the boiling puddle in your front yard.
Summer Part 1 (May-July)
Well, summer is finally here in Florida and you might ask yourself, why does it start in May? It starts in May because that's when you go outside and your goddamn skin starts melting. For me, the first day of the year in which the temperature reaches 90 is similar to Pearl Harbor Day or September 11th. It's a day of mourning for me, where I remember how nice it was from November-most of April ;__;. Now, because Florida is a tropical-ish climate, we get a lot of rain to go along with our heat (except for 1998. Errthang wuz on fiyah, yo). Rain creates moisture in the air and because of that, we get a little thing called humidity. What is humidity? Well humidity is a creation of Satan made to ruze everyone into thinking 90 degrees isn't as bad as the dry 105 degree Arizona weather. Here's a better example of what humidity does. You're sitting inside in the AC nice and comfortable whilst watching some TV and getting a blowjob from Geld's mum. You realize that you left your phone in the car after you picked her up from the street corner. You go out and get your phone and come back in the house (this takes about 30 seconds). During this 30 seconds, you have entered the heat and humidity of a Florida summer. You are now drenched in sweat and have about a cup of swass swishing around your asshole. Time to hop in the shower again. Ask Geld's mum to join you.
Along with all this heat and humidity, you get Florida thunderstorms. What makes these different from normal thunderstorms? To start with, they happen pretty much everyday around 3-4 pm from May-September and they are violent as fuck. Florida is the lightning capital of Murrica for a reason. If you've never experienced a Florida summer thunderstorm, well good for you. It's pretty scary shit when the sky goes black at 4pm if you've never experienced it before. What follows is the worst 30 minutes of weather you've ever seen, complete with wind, torrential downpours, dundah and 6546576 lightning strikes per second. Of course, tornados often pop up, so if you're visiting, don't be surprised when a Floridian barely reacts to a severe thunderstorm and tornado warning. We're used to that shit. Immediately following a thunderstorm, the sky clears up and the sun comes out. Great, now all of that water on the ground can start steaming and you can now cook some pasta in the boiling puddle in your front yard.
Above is what this demonic daily event looks like. A lot of times, it's worse.
Hurricane Season (August-October)
Now technically, hurricane season begins in late May/early June, but August through October is when shit hits the fan, and the fan proceeds to blow that shit in every direction. This season is also known as the "We're sick of this shit" season because once August rolls around, we're sick of the 90 degree 100% humidity days. Why not have a hurricane to cool you off? For me personally, hurricanes fascinate me and scare the shit out of me. Where I live hasn't been directly hit by a cane in over 100 years, but we've had close calls and with storms that fucking big, close is bad enough. I've seen ground zero for these buzzsaws, it's not pretty. For those of you who don't know what a hurricane is, 1.) You're a fucking retard, and 2.) It's a giant storm system that has high winds, spins in a counter-clockwise motion and fucks up your shit with tons of rain, wind and storm surge. Since Florida is hanging down there out of Murrica's pants, we tend to get hit with a lot of tropical storms (babby canes) and hurricanes.
It's been a few years since we've gotten directly hit by a major hurricane, but the last time that happened, Mother Nature decided to shit all over Florida and play catch up. 2004 and 2005 were terrible years. Here's what the summer of 2004 looked like:
Hurricane Season (August-October)
Now technically, hurricane season begins in late May/early June, but August through October is when shit hits the fan, and the fan proceeds to blow that shit in every direction. This season is also known as the "We're sick of this shit" season because once August rolls around, we're sick of the 90 degree 100% humidity days. Why not have a hurricane to cool you off? For me personally, hurricanes fascinate me and scare the shit out of me. Where I live hasn't been directly hit by a cane in over 100 years, but we've had close calls and with storms that fucking big, close is bad enough. I've seen ground zero for these buzzsaws, it's not pretty. For those of you who don't know what a hurricane is, 1.) You're a fucking retard, and 2.) It's a giant storm system that has high winds, spins in a counter-clockwise motion and fucks up your shit with tons of rain, wind and storm surge. Since Florida is hanging down there out of Murrica's pants, we tend to get hit with a lot of tropical storms (babby canes) and hurricanes.
It's been a few years since we've gotten directly hit by a major hurricane, but the last time that happened, Mother Nature decided to shit all over Florida and play catch up. 2004 and 2005 were terrible years. Here's what the summer of 2004 looked like:
Charley and Frances in particular, were fucking assholes. 2005 resulted in even more hurricanes passing through, but Florida dodged several bullets including Katrina, who decided to pay the Keys a visit and then turned into a raging feminazi cunt. To me, Katrina was both the most perfect looking and terrifying hurricane I have ever seen when it was at peak strength. Here's what I'm talking about:
"Awwww, Dicksss. Hurricanes are kind of kawaii with their cute little eye in the middle. They wouldn't hurt a fly?" Really? Well, here's what Hurricane Charley did to Florida in 2004 you stupid piece of shit:
Fucking adorable. Don't mess with hurricanes. If government officials tell you to get the fuck out, get the fuck out.
Once October rolls around, hurricanes are still possible, but their frequency is diminishing and while it's still hot out, the humidity is disappearing. October is a nice precursor to Perfect Weather Season, and trust me, by the time October rolls around, you'll want to kill yourself if you haven't already melted. October is the tunnel and the light at the end is November. Think of October as the bro that pays someone a visit when that someone was about to slash their wrists or take a bath with their favorite toaster.
Final Verdict
Well, that just about sums up what the year of Florida weather looks like. It is equal parts #based and hell. Overall I give it a solid 7/10. While I might be able to swim down my street at some point, at least I don't have to shovel snow.
Once October rolls around, hurricanes are still possible, but their frequency is diminishing and while it's still hot out, the humidity is disappearing. October is a nice precursor to Perfect Weather Season, and trust me, by the time October rolls around, you'll want to kill yourself if you haven't already melted. October is the tunnel and the light at the end is November. Think of October as the bro that pays someone a visit when that someone was about to slash their wrists or take a bath with their favorite toaster.
Final Verdict
Well, that just about sums up what the year of Florida weather looks like. It is equal parts #based and hell. Overall I give it a solid 7/10. While I might be able to swim down my street at some point, at least I don't have to shovel snow.