It's Wednesday, so that means we have reached the land of water trumpets. It is time to review Pokemon Ruby/Sapphire and Emerald. After the personal letdown I experienced after gen 2, I have to admit, I gave up on pokemon for a few years and lost interest. What was I, some kind of faggot or something? Despite my feelings, Gamefreak continued to roll around in dosh and everyone knew more games in the series were coming. Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire were released in late 2002 in Japan and early 2003 in Murrica on the Gameboy Advance, Emerald was released in 2004 and 2005 respectively. It wasn't until 2005 that I decided to give pokemon a chance again and I got myself a copy of pokemon emerald. Before I begin, I've only played Ruby and Sapphire once, so most of this review will center on Emerald, which I have played entirely too many times. In fact, all of it will. Emerald was the best gen 3 game, so ruby and sapphire can suck it. The Hoenn games are something people either love or hate, but it is clear that these are the games that are the most talked about in the entire pokemon series and legions of fans are waiting for some JapJap to say "HOENN CONFIRMED!" in broken engrish. This is either because they loved Hoenn the first time around and want to return, or because they hated Hoenn and want the remakes to confirm their hatred. First off, we should look at exactly what gen 3 introduced to the polkamanz whirl.
What's new (a fuck ton)
- 135 new pokemon, bringing the total to 386. Unlike gen 2, they actually came up with 133 new unique pokemon, not just babby or evolved forms of old ones. (the other 2, wynaut and azurill babbies of existing mons)
- 103 new moves, bringing the total to 354.
- The introduction of abilities to each pokemon. Originally there were 77 abilities, more have been added. These abilities can help/hurt pokemon in and out of battle. Thank you #based pickup.
- Pokemon natures are introduced. Different natures boost certain stat gains and lower others.
- 140 more spaces in the pc for pokemon. Lot more room for the bastard children resulting from your pokemon doing the nasty.
- Contests in which pokemon can win ribbons and pokeblock are new. Pokeblock is like cocaine for your pokemon, but along with getting them high as fuck, it boosts their beauty, coolness etc. It helps in winning contests, which are useless.
- Obviously a new region, called Hoenn. More on that soon.
- 7 new pokeballs, replacing the 7 awful ones introduced in Johto and this time you can just buy them. No need to take berries to that faggot, Kurt. (thanks for never letting us know what the GS ball was, asshole)
- No more Team Rocket, we get Team Aqua and Team Magma. It's the only time in the series there are 2 evil teams, and don't worry, they are just as retarded as Team Rocket.
- Weather conditions, which already existed, can now be found on the field and activate at the start of battle, while one more, hail, has been added. Hail sucks.
- Emerald introduced double battles in which 2 of your pokemon battle 2 of the other guy's pokemon at the same time.
- Much improved graphics and smoother animations. Even for GBA games, these look nice, no lie.
- EVs and IVs were overhauled, but this only matters to those who play competitively.
- Old Berries were rejected in favor of Berries which grow individually as plants and can be picked and planted elsewhere.
- Emerald introduces the Battle Frontier as postgame content, which in my opinion, is still the best postgame in any pokemon game. Fuck that Maison bullshit.
- Secret bases that can be customized with hundreds of items like tables, dolls, chairs, posters, etc. I'm still waiting for Gamefreak to bring this back. Stop being a shit Gamefreak.
- Bikes are back! You get a choice of a Mach bike (gotta go fast) and the Acro bike ($wag hopping all over Hoenn). The bikes can gain you access to new areas based on which one you are using.
- 10 new legendary pokemon, including 2 trios, and for the first time, some legendaries are the main focus of the game's plot. #based regis are the best trio, don't even try and argue that they aren't.
- The PokeNav doubles as a phone and a map, which is convenient to say the least, but it's basically a much improved version of the pokegear from gen 2.
- Running shoes. Hold down B to go fast. Thank you #based Nike.
There are more minor changes, but I don't want to be doing this all day, so it's time to switch things up a bit. In gen 1 and 2, I ended the review talking about the region. Given how much people still talk about the land of water trumpets, I better get this out of the way now.
The Hoenn region
Thankfully, Gamefreak decided to get the fuck away from Kanto and Johto, because even they were bored to tears. Insert Hoenn. Hoenn is both my favorite and least favorite region in the pokemon series. "But Dicksss, how is that even possible? Are you drunk right now?" No. Now give me a chance to explain, pubelord. RIP IP, eye krey never, go fuck yourself :DDDDD. From the town you start in, Littleroot, all the way through the 6th badge and Lilycove City, Hoenn is easily my favorite region. There are towns, cities, a desert, an island, caves, a boat ride, a forest, a casino, a cablecar ride to a town with hot springs, a volcano, a route with ashes falling, the desert ruins (where you get a fossil), a cave with waterfalls, routes with tall grass, a weather institute, corporate buildings, gyms, the Mauville underground, the Safari Zone (welcome back, fuck off gen 2), the trick house, bike paths and other shit I won't list because I'm rambling. Here is what this part of Hoenn looks like:
What's new (a fuck ton)
- 135 new pokemon, bringing the total to 386. Unlike gen 2, they actually came up with 133 new unique pokemon, not just babby or evolved forms of old ones. (the other 2, wynaut and azurill babbies of existing mons)
- 103 new moves, bringing the total to 354.
- The introduction of abilities to each pokemon. Originally there were 77 abilities, more have been added. These abilities can help/hurt pokemon in and out of battle. Thank you #based pickup.
- Pokemon natures are introduced. Different natures boost certain stat gains and lower others.
- 140 more spaces in the pc for pokemon. Lot more room for the bastard children resulting from your pokemon doing the nasty.
- Contests in which pokemon can win ribbons and pokeblock are new. Pokeblock is like cocaine for your pokemon, but along with getting them high as fuck, it boosts their beauty, coolness etc. It helps in winning contests, which are useless.
- Obviously a new region, called Hoenn. More on that soon.
- 7 new pokeballs, replacing the 7 awful ones introduced in Johto and this time you can just buy them. No need to take berries to that faggot, Kurt. (thanks for never letting us know what the GS ball was, asshole)
- No more Team Rocket, we get Team Aqua and Team Magma. It's the only time in the series there are 2 evil teams, and don't worry, they are just as retarded as Team Rocket.
- Weather conditions, which already existed, can now be found on the field and activate at the start of battle, while one more, hail, has been added. Hail sucks.
- Emerald introduced double battles in which 2 of your pokemon battle 2 of the other guy's pokemon at the same time.
- Much improved graphics and smoother animations. Even for GBA games, these look nice, no lie.
- EVs and IVs were overhauled, but this only matters to those who play competitively.
- Old Berries were rejected in favor of Berries which grow individually as plants and can be picked and planted elsewhere.
- Emerald introduces the Battle Frontier as postgame content, which in my opinion, is still the best postgame in any pokemon game. Fuck that Maison bullshit.
- Secret bases that can be customized with hundreds of items like tables, dolls, chairs, posters, etc. I'm still waiting for Gamefreak to bring this back. Stop being a shit Gamefreak.
- Bikes are back! You get a choice of a Mach bike (gotta go fast) and the Acro bike ($wag hopping all over Hoenn). The bikes can gain you access to new areas based on which one you are using.
- 10 new legendary pokemon, including 2 trios, and for the first time, some legendaries are the main focus of the game's plot. #based regis are the best trio, don't even try and argue that they aren't.
- The PokeNav doubles as a phone and a map, which is convenient to say the least, but it's basically a much improved version of the pokegear from gen 2.
- Running shoes. Hold down B to go fast. Thank you #based Nike.
There are more minor changes, but I don't want to be doing this all day, so it's time to switch things up a bit. In gen 1 and 2, I ended the review talking about the region. Given how much people still talk about the land of water trumpets, I better get this out of the way now.
The Hoenn region
Thankfully, Gamefreak decided to get the fuck away from Kanto and Johto, because even they were bored to tears. Insert Hoenn. Hoenn is both my favorite and least favorite region in the pokemon series. "But Dicksss, how is that even possible? Are you drunk right now?" No. Now give me a chance to explain, pubelord. RIP IP, eye krey never, go fuck yourself :DDDDD. From the town you start in, Littleroot, all the way through the 6th badge and Lilycove City, Hoenn is easily my favorite region. There are towns, cities, a desert, an island, caves, a boat ride, a forest, a casino, a cablecar ride to a town with hot springs, a volcano, a route with ashes falling, the desert ruins (where you get a fossil), a cave with waterfalls, routes with tall grass, a weather institute, corporate buildings, gyms, the Mauville underground, the Safari Zone (welcome back, fuck off gen 2), the trick house, bike paths and other shit I won't list because I'm rambling. Here is what this part of Hoenn looks like:
Just like an attractive woman that has a surprise penis, we must visit the other part of Hoenn. You like water? I like water. Water is necessary for everyone's survival. Well, the rest of Hoenn is fucking water, water and more water. There are some cool places, like a town floating on Corsola (Pacifidlog, look it up), an island with a space center, a city located inside of a dormant volcano, tons of underwater dive areas to explore, an abandoned ship, a cave that can be further explored at low tide, victory road and the Elite 4. Pretty neat sounding stuff when you first take a look at it. But its all connected by water. You have to surf forever, thankfully not with the gen 4 surfing speeds because if that were the case, I would have killed myself. It would all be more reasonable if wild pokemon encounters included the 342059734890 water pokemon in existence. HAHAHAHA, NOPE. Wingull and Tentacool all day, erry day. If you surf to all of these places without repels, you are either the king of all autists, or you lost a bet. Here is a visual representation of what the water zone looks like:
After taking care of the Elite 4, you can head for a postgame challenge at the Battle Frontier, an island with several different facilities loaded with trainers and little goodies to win along the way. I'm currently attempting to build a team myself to defeat the Frontier brains and collect all of the medals. Hopefully I can do this before I insert a bullet into my skull. So as you can see, there is plenty to love and one MAJOR thing to hate about the Hoenn region. Time to discuss the game itself.
Pokemon Emerald
Ok, so stop me if you read this before, but...wait a minute. Fuck off, Don't stop me now, I'm having such a good time, I'm having a ball. The premise is somewhat the same in Emerald as it was in all the previous games. You are a kid who has to catch and raise pokemon in order to win 8 badges and defeat the elite 4. Choose whether you are a boy or best grill (May) and then the game begins with you in the back of a moving truck. That's new. Upon exiting the truck, you discover that you have just moved to the Hoenn region with your mom so you can be closer to....wait for it...YOUR DAD! HOLY SHIT! Finally, your character has a mom and dad, and not some mythical dad that only exists in ancient stories your mom tells you, he is an actual person. You want proof, go to Petalburg talk to him, and eventually battle him. Battle him? Yea, he's the Petalburg gym leader. After you go to your room, you are ready for your journey. "Dicksss, what about the professor, shouldn't you go see him?" I would, but he's not in his lab, but I know how to do this shit, I just need to figure out where to buy balls.
Heading out of town, you are stopped by a little grill who says some guy is being chased by a pokemon. You discover its Professor (enter tree name here). Birch is his name and being chased by zigzagoon is his game. He asks you to choose 1 of 3 pokemon from his bag and help him get rid of ziggy. Choose wisely, because surprise!, this will be your starter. Telling you to choose wisely is retarded though, all 3 are wise choices. Hoenn's 3 starters are much like the OG power 3, they are all good choices, though I always preferred treecko and mudkip more than torchic. You save Birch and he tells you to go meet up with his kid who is doing his research for him. Birch really knows how to do nothing and get all the credit, thus making him a breddy cool guy in my book. It must be mentioned that whether you choose to be the boy or grill, you are Norman's (petalburg gym leader) kid and the gender you didn't choose becomes your rival and is Birch's kid. This is some Jerry Springer shit.
Eventually, you head back to Birch, he gives you a pokedex and you are on your way. Unlike previous games, the relationship between you and your rival (who cannot be named this time around) is more friendly. It makes sense on Brendan's part, he just wants to get into May's pants. Get away from me faggot, I don't let any guy touch me if I can't figure out if his hat is his hair or vice versa. Time to start taking on gyms. Aside from the first gym leader (Roxanne) each gym leader provides a decent challenge. Gen 1 and 2's gyms were a cakewalk, but the gyms in Emerald have just the right amount of challenge. Each gym leader has at least one pokemon that can be difficult to deal with: Roxanne's jewnose, Brawly's Makuhita, Wattson's Magneton, Flannery's (hnnggg) fireturtle, Norman's Slaking (or linoone if you don't rekt it immediately after belly drum), Winona's (underrated hngggg) Skarmory, Tate and Liza's everything (fucking little shits) and Juan's homosexual advances. The hnggggs refer to the grills, not their pokemon. Wattson and Tate and Liza in particular are nuzlocke nightmares. The 8th gym was originally run by Wallace, who is FABULOUSSSSSSS, but he wanted to fab his way into being the champion of the Elite 4 and he did, so he gave the gym leader title to his husbando, Juan. The Elite 4 are Sidney (edgy type), Phoebe (spoopy), Glacia (ice), Drake (dragon) and fabfag Wallace (water, because we needed more fucking water). This is probably the most forgettable Elite 4 in any pokemon game, but Wallace has a Ludicolo. That's fucking awesome, thank you #based Canta. After you defeat the Elite 4, the Battle Frontier is optional, and new areas of the Safari zone open, so that's neat.
Plot?
Well, there is kind of a storyline and plot introduced into gen 3, other than catching them all and winning badges. Insert team Aqua and Magma. Unlike Ruby and Sapphire, where you work with one team to take down the other, in Emerald, you fight both villainous teams. This might seem like a daunting challenge, but it's not. These people are retarded. Each team's master plan is ridiculous. Aqua wants to take over Hoenn by using the power of the sea, particularly the legendary Shamu, Kyogre. Magma wants to take over Hoenn by using the power of the land, particularly the legendary Godzirra doppelganger, Groudon. Well, you kick their asses in various places throughout the region because they got the memo from Team Rocket about zubats, but not about rattatas. They use poochyena instead, which is just as bad, if not worse. Eventually, you'll get to a point where Aqua leader Archie and Magma Leader use the red and blue orb on Shamu and Godzirra, but they find that this just pissed those beasts off and they cannot control them. Hoenn starts getting fukt up. Kyogre is flooding everything, and Groudon is uhhh, making it really hot? Some areas of Hoenn are flooding and some are experiencing drought. Wallace shows up and tells you that you guys need to go find the legendary dragon, Rayquayquay so it can calm Kyogre and Groudon down and send them to time out. Once Rayquayquay arrives in Sootopolis, where Kyogre and Groudon start fighting in a no-holds barred, steel cage match, there is a cut scene, an actual fucking cut scene in a Pokemon game, in which Rayquayquay arrives through a heavenish break in the clouds, shouts like a Loudbitch and the fighting ends. Yay, Aqua and Magma can ride the short bus back home now.
Of note, many people believe the true champion of this game is Steven Stone, not Wallace, and given how shitty Wallace's team is (aside from Canta), I will go ahead and agree. Steven appears a few times during the game and once you defeat the Elite 4 you can go find him in a secret room in Meteor Falls. His team is all level 75 or above and when you defeat him you get.........FUCKING NOTHING, go do the battle frontier or complete the pokedex, faggot.
What's with the water trumpets?
Well, the water trumpets refer to the abundance of water in the region and the music played throughout the game. While I find much of the music to be decent and some of it to be catchy, seems like some pussies cannot handle the trumpets. Of course all of the water and all of the trumpets are the only things people remember about Hoenn. Wow, such epik maymays XD :DDD upboat, like and favorite this status. That being said, I want more trombone and French horn in the Hoenn confirmed! remakes.
Final Verdict
Overall, I have to give generation 3 a Potential/10 score. "What does that even mean, Dicksss?" Calm your tits, Sugarsnatch. It means that whether you love or hate Hoenn, everyone has suggestions on how to make it better. If we ever get remakes, I'm hype for the Belgian version of myself to do a 6 Canta run.
Pokemon Emerald
Ok, so stop me if you read this before, but...wait a minute. Fuck off, Don't stop me now, I'm having such a good time, I'm having a ball. The premise is somewhat the same in Emerald as it was in all the previous games. You are a kid who has to catch and raise pokemon in order to win 8 badges and defeat the elite 4. Choose whether you are a boy or best grill (May) and then the game begins with you in the back of a moving truck. That's new. Upon exiting the truck, you discover that you have just moved to the Hoenn region with your mom so you can be closer to....wait for it...YOUR DAD! HOLY SHIT! Finally, your character has a mom and dad, and not some mythical dad that only exists in ancient stories your mom tells you, he is an actual person. You want proof, go to Petalburg talk to him, and eventually battle him. Battle him? Yea, he's the Petalburg gym leader. After you go to your room, you are ready for your journey. "Dicksss, what about the professor, shouldn't you go see him?" I would, but he's not in his lab, but I know how to do this shit, I just need to figure out where to buy balls.
Heading out of town, you are stopped by a little grill who says some guy is being chased by a pokemon. You discover its Professor (enter tree name here). Birch is his name and being chased by zigzagoon is his game. He asks you to choose 1 of 3 pokemon from his bag and help him get rid of ziggy. Choose wisely, because surprise!, this will be your starter. Telling you to choose wisely is retarded though, all 3 are wise choices. Hoenn's 3 starters are much like the OG power 3, they are all good choices, though I always preferred treecko and mudkip more than torchic. You save Birch and he tells you to go meet up with his kid who is doing his research for him. Birch really knows how to do nothing and get all the credit, thus making him a breddy cool guy in my book. It must be mentioned that whether you choose to be the boy or grill, you are Norman's (petalburg gym leader) kid and the gender you didn't choose becomes your rival and is Birch's kid. This is some Jerry Springer shit.
Eventually, you head back to Birch, he gives you a pokedex and you are on your way. Unlike previous games, the relationship between you and your rival (who cannot be named this time around) is more friendly. It makes sense on Brendan's part, he just wants to get into May's pants. Get away from me faggot, I don't let any guy touch me if I can't figure out if his hat is his hair or vice versa. Time to start taking on gyms. Aside from the first gym leader (Roxanne) each gym leader provides a decent challenge. Gen 1 and 2's gyms were a cakewalk, but the gyms in Emerald have just the right amount of challenge. Each gym leader has at least one pokemon that can be difficult to deal with: Roxanne's jewnose, Brawly's Makuhita, Wattson's Magneton, Flannery's (hnnggg) fireturtle, Norman's Slaking (or linoone if you don't rekt it immediately after belly drum), Winona's (underrated hngggg) Skarmory, Tate and Liza's everything (fucking little shits) and Juan's homosexual advances. The hnggggs refer to the grills, not their pokemon. Wattson and Tate and Liza in particular are nuzlocke nightmares. The 8th gym was originally run by Wallace, who is FABULOUSSSSSSS, but he wanted to fab his way into being the champion of the Elite 4 and he did, so he gave the gym leader title to his husbando, Juan. The Elite 4 are Sidney (edgy type), Phoebe (spoopy), Glacia (ice), Drake (dragon) and fabfag Wallace (water, because we needed more fucking water). This is probably the most forgettable Elite 4 in any pokemon game, but Wallace has a Ludicolo. That's fucking awesome, thank you #based Canta. After you defeat the Elite 4, the Battle Frontier is optional, and new areas of the Safari zone open, so that's neat.
Plot?
Well, there is kind of a storyline and plot introduced into gen 3, other than catching them all and winning badges. Insert team Aqua and Magma. Unlike Ruby and Sapphire, where you work with one team to take down the other, in Emerald, you fight both villainous teams. This might seem like a daunting challenge, but it's not. These people are retarded. Each team's master plan is ridiculous. Aqua wants to take over Hoenn by using the power of the sea, particularly the legendary Shamu, Kyogre. Magma wants to take over Hoenn by using the power of the land, particularly the legendary Godzirra doppelganger, Groudon. Well, you kick their asses in various places throughout the region because they got the memo from Team Rocket about zubats, but not about rattatas. They use poochyena instead, which is just as bad, if not worse. Eventually, you'll get to a point where Aqua leader Archie and Magma Leader use the red and blue orb on Shamu and Godzirra, but they find that this just pissed those beasts off and they cannot control them. Hoenn starts getting fukt up. Kyogre is flooding everything, and Groudon is uhhh, making it really hot? Some areas of Hoenn are flooding and some are experiencing drought. Wallace shows up and tells you that you guys need to go find the legendary dragon, Rayquayquay so it can calm Kyogre and Groudon down and send them to time out. Once Rayquayquay arrives in Sootopolis, where Kyogre and Groudon start fighting in a no-holds barred, steel cage match, there is a cut scene, an actual fucking cut scene in a Pokemon game, in which Rayquayquay arrives through a heavenish break in the clouds, shouts like a Loudbitch and the fighting ends. Yay, Aqua and Magma can ride the short bus back home now.
Of note, many people believe the true champion of this game is Steven Stone, not Wallace, and given how shitty Wallace's team is (aside from Canta), I will go ahead and agree. Steven appears a few times during the game and once you defeat the Elite 4 you can go find him in a secret room in Meteor Falls. His team is all level 75 or above and when you defeat him you get.........FUCKING NOTHING, go do the battle frontier or complete the pokedex, faggot.
What's with the water trumpets?
Well, the water trumpets refer to the abundance of water in the region and the music played throughout the game. While I find much of the music to be decent and some of it to be catchy, seems like some pussies cannot handle the trumpets. Of course all of the water and all of the trumpets are the only things people remember about Hoenn. Wow, such epik maymays XD :DDD upboat, like and favorite this status. That being said, I want more trombone and French horn in the Hoenn confirmed! remakes.
Final Verdict
Overall, I have to give generation 3 a Potential/10 score. "What does that even mean, Dicksss?" Calm your tits, Sugarsnatch. It means that whether you love or hate Hoenn, everyone has suggestions on how to make it better. If we ever get remakes, I'm hype for the Belgian version of myself to do a 6 Canta run.
Tomorrow we head to Sinnoh, where pic related should have happened.