The Bathroom Mirror Selfie
For starters, we have the most popular and common type of selfie, the bathroom mirror selfie. "But Dicksss, how can a bathroom mirror take a picture of itself? It doesn't have hands". That's a wonderful question and before I answer it, why don't you go fuck yourself? You cheeky cunt. Anyway, a bathroom mirror selfie occurs when someone decides to go stand in front of the bathroom mirror and take a picture of their reflection in said mirror. Given the IQ level of most selfie takers, the bathroom mirror selfie is the selfie of choice because it doesn't require them to learn how to turn their phone/camera around and point it at themselves. Many times in a bathroom mirror selfie, the bro or bitch in the picture decides that this is the time they should show the world what they are working with. Now we're getting to the good stuff, right??? HAHAHAHA NO, FAGGOT! DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK WE CAN HAVE NICE THINGS? That shirtless guy sure has an impressive 1 pack and yes ladies, those are his ribs. Doesn't that scrawny body make you horny? Oh you're wet...? hmmmm does that pasty ghost-white skin turn you on? No? Oh sorry, you just got out of the shower. I forgot we were in the fucking bathroom.
Enough of that faggotry, the real purpose for a bathroom mirror selfie is to see a girl with minimal to no clothing. Nothing turns a man on more than a girl standing in front of a bathroom mirror with her shirt off and her tits saluting the great Mr. Hankey. RIP IP South Park before it jumped the shark ;__;. There cannot possibly be anything wrong with this, right? Well, upon further inspection of this particular type of selfie, you'll realize that dong in your hand is becoming rather flaccid. You'll soon notice that the bathroom this girl is standing in is disgusting. What's that white substance all over mirror? Is that soap or something? It's most likely her little brother's goop that just blasted all over her mirror and the back of her head. After all, she left the bathroom door open and you can see him standing in the doorway, peen-in-hand smiling. God dammit, this is why we can't have nice things. Is that a giant shit in the toilet? What, no courtesy flush? On a rare occasion, you'll get a naked girl bathroom mirror selfie with a clean mirror, no little brother and a clean toilet. Aww, yea. Here we go, it's time to start jerk- oh shit. Is that a pregnancy test next to the sink? Welp...
The Hide the Whale Selfie
The next kind of selfie I must talk about is the "hide the whale" selfie. "But Dicksss, why would anyone take a picture of themselves standing by a whale and hide that magnificent creature?" You didn't give me a chance to explain myself, asshole. How about you don't ask any more questions? The whale in said picture is the actual person (99% of the time, it's a girl) taking the picture. Women tend to take these kind of pictures because no neckbeard on match.com is going to stop and take interest in a picture of Miss Piggy. It's far better to trick them into thinking you are in good shape so they can disappoint and embarrass you in public on your first date when they turn you down. The selfie taker hides the whale by only taking a picture of their face and usually holding the camera in a way to hide the fat. This is scientifically known as the "I'm on a seefood diet angle". Without a visual aid, it's hard for someone to really grasp what a hide the whale selfie really is, so it's time to use your imagination. Ok, picture a girl with a face that is the most beautiful face you have ever seen. It is perfect, she has those seductive eyes, those luscious lips, the kind of smirk that says "I just did something naughty, come punish me". Now picture that beautiful face attached to a 300 pound tub of lard and bacon grease. Enough said.
The Beautiful Scenery Selfie
The last kind of selfie I will briefly touch on is the kind of selfie someone takes when they take a vacation somewhere and decide to take a picture of themselves to prove to no one in particular that they are on vacation. This is the "beautiful scenery selfie" Nothing screws up that amazing picture of the Eiffel Tower more than you making a fucking duckface. Oh wow! What a beautiful sunset. Next time, why don't you get your friend to take a picture of you standing in front of this breathtaking landscape so we can truly appreciate what you are experiencing? Oh, never mind. I forgot you don't have any friends. Carry on taking pictures of things that are blocked out by your fat, oily, sweaty head.
FINAL VERDICKTSSS
All in all, selfies are retarded. I mean even if you don't have any friends to take a picture of you, can you at least try and hold the spaghetti in long enough to ask someone to take a picture of you? Who am I kidding? If you could hold the spaghetti in, chances are you'd have friends.
1.5/10, at least you get to see some decent tits on a rare occasion