Is that a picture of Cinderella's Castle? Are those tourists? Is that a statue of the great Jew King, Walt Disney holding hands with Mickey Mouse? Absofuckinglutely. That's right folks, today, Dicksss Reviews takes a long hard look at the happiest place on earth, Disney World's Magic Kingdom. Is this truly the happiest place on earth, or is that just the way someone who has never been here would describe it? Welp, given the fact that every year, The Magic Kingdom is the most visited theme park in the world, people seem to think it's the former.
Location:
The Magic Kingdom is located in Bay Lake, Florida as a part of Walt Disney's World Resort. Bay Lake is a just a random name given to all the empty space outside of Orlando prior to the Disney Parks moving in. Basically, we're talking Orlando here; a place where dreams come true and magical events take place. At least that's what tourists believe. In reality, Orlando is a place where nightmares come true and horrible crimes take place. The family vacation capital of the world is also the "Don't you dare visit anywhere that isn't a theme park" capital of the world. That is, unless you have a desire to get stabbed and have your car stolen. If so, visit beautiful Orlando, Florida! If you are driving to the Magic Kingdom because you are close by or because you don't want to drop the dosh for plane tickets (retarded once you realize how much you'll spend at the park), you eventually have to get onto I-4. For those of you who have never driven on Interstate 4, let me give you a brief synopsis.
I-4 is a stretch of highway that goes from just outside of Daytona Beach, to Tampa. How is such a short highway so infamous, you ask? According to the latest census, upwards of 19 million people live in Florida. At any given time, 76.4 million cars are driving on I-4. I live 2 hours from Orlando (with no traffic) but the thought of getting onto I-4 makes me wish there was a direct flight from Palm Coast to Orlando. I-4 runs right through downtown Orlando to get to all of the theme parks, including the #based Universal/Islands of Adventure, there is no other way to go. We have all been on roads with traffic so densely packed, you feel like an anchovy packed in one of those gold colored tins. Now imagine all of the anchovies 2 inches away from you are travelling at 75 miles per hour (69938 Millimeters per Kilowatt for all the Yuros). By the time you finally get yourself and your family to the Magic Kingdom, you'll be ready to shoot yourself. Never fear, can only get better...r-r-right? ;__;
Upon Arrival:
There is nothing quite like driving up to the front gate of the Magic Kingdom for the first time. The wonder and excitement kids feel when they first see the front gate is simply magical. This magic is quickly drowned out when dad realizes he'll have to pay $20 to park the car in this giant parking lot for the day. Young children often learn a few magical words that dad is shouting at this time. Man, he must be just as excited as they are. Once you pass the gate, the Disney parking lot attendants, who are paid minimum wage to stand on pavement in Florida heat all day, usher you as quickly as possible to the nearest empty spot. How nice of them, they don't bullshit you at all. They want you to get inside the park and have fun ASAP. In reality, the quicker you park, the quicker you can start spending your life savings.
Once you park, and get what you need for the day out of the car, a tram will pick you up at a predetermined destination and drive you quickly to the monorail, which will speed you directly to the Magic Kingdom. (after making a stop or two to pick up the Shekel family who have saved enough money to stay in an actual Disney hotel) Hold on to your assholes, people! The monorail is the fastest ride you will get on all day. Ironic in this is that you will ride the monorail twice during your day. Once to get in the park, and once to get the fuck out. In both instances you will experience the same level of purpose to get on the monorail as quickly as possible. "No way Dicksss! Space, Thunder and Splash Mountain are way faster!" Think again, Pencildick! The monorail travels at an earth shattering 40-50 mph and gets you to the Magic Kingdom in no time. LET THE FUN BEGIN.....
Attractions and Rides:
Once you get off the monorail, welcome to MainStreet, USA! King Jew Disney himself modeled MainStreet after small town America of the 1950s. The park opened in 1971, and MainStreet looks like it hasn't been changed since. Before you even buy your ticket and get into the Magic Kingdom, Jew Disney wanted you to spend money in overpriced stores and restaurants. At least they were kind enough to put these places outside of the park itself because the Magic Kingdom is all about family fun! I bet you believe that pigs can fly, money doesn't buy happiness and May's little brother Max is a cool guy. Fuck you, Max. Located in the distance, at the end of MainStreet is Cinderella's Castle. (pictured above) It really is a well built and amazing structure, I'm not even kidding. Your first thought upon seeing it from a distance is, "Man, I want to go in there". 15 years ago this was possible. In fact, it was necessary. Guests to the park would walk through and under Cinderella's castle to the park admission ticket gates. Under the castle were convenient areas to pick up a park map, purchase a locker to put your bags in, and get a stroller for your young kids if necessary. Disney officials, however, saw this as a missed opportunity. They closed the castle off to the general population. "Dicksss, don't tell me I have to pay to get in there now." DING DING DING! YOU GOT IT, NUMBNUTS! You want to have dinner in the castle restaurant? You want to meet Cinderella? Yea???? FORK UP THOSE SHEKELS (and pay again for dinner and souvenirs once inside)! The next stop, prior to the ticket gates is the security check. Disgruntled employees fondle you and your bags to make sure you don't smuggle in any water or food. They don't care if you are diabetic and need a piece of fruit or water to stay conscious during the day. Fuck you, buy it in the park for $10 a pop. Weapons and drugs are fine to bring in, as long as you share them with a Disney employee that wants to commit Sudoku.
Enough about MainStreet. You fight through the mass of people at the security check and arrive at the ticket gates. You know that bonus you just got for being at your company 10 years? Kiss that nigger goodbye. After handing over $500 of hard-earned money for tickets for your family of 4, you are finally inside! LET THE FUN BEGIN....pls. Disney is split up into various zones, each with a unique theme and rides to fit said theme. These are, in no particular order, Adventureland, Frontierland, Tomorrowland. Liberty Square, Fantasyland, Storybook Circus and the Enchanted Forest. Here's a brief rundown of each area.
Adventureland is designed to mimic the most exotic places on the planet. Unfortunately, it fails miserably. True to it's name however, it sure is an adventure to try and get through a sea of people to find a ride. Frontierland is meant to represent the cowboys and Indians of the old American West. This is quite possibly the most boring and horribly themed area in any theme park I have ever been to, and I have seen a rollercoaster themed around dog shit. Youtube it. It exists. Liberty Square is based off of the American Revolution and allows you to do just what you can to Disney to accomplish. You can learn about history! $110 for this shit? BELIEVE IT!. Of note, Liberty Square for some reason does include the Haunted Mansion ride which is like finding a quarter in a pile of rusty knives. Tomorrowland is a representation of the future and includes a ride (The carousel of Progress) that shows you what the world will be like in the future...which is apparently the year 2000. What the actual fuck? Fantasyland is the result of an autistic child painting a bunch of buildings however he fucking pleased. Unfortunately he only had pink and purple paint. Fantasyland makes you want to go back home and play with your daughter's Barbie dolls so you can feel like more of a man. The Enchanted Forest and Storybook Circus are new additions to the Magic Kingdom built out of panic once the Disney execs saw how amazing the Harry Potter additions to Universal/IOA were. This is also a way for them to jew the prices up even more.
All of these areas in the park include your cookie cutter boring kids rides that are hidden well by various pedophiles dressed up as Disney characters or the surround gift shop the ride is located in. After waiting in line for at least 45 minutes for each ride, you realize none of these are worth more than 2 minutes of your time. You take a look at the map and see "Thunder mountain, Space mountain, and Splash mountain". "These look fun, kids! Let's head over there". Thunder Mountain is a runaway train ride built around various rock formations on a track that weaves in and out of small gaps. TIME FOR SOME FUCKING FUN! Not so fast, spunktits. Thunder Mountain was designed after a crazy runaway train that happens to go as fast as Usain Bolt can run. Such excitement. Ok fine, that was a massive disappointment, so lets head over to Space Mountain. Space Mountain is a compact rollercoaster built in a dome structure and it simulates the launching of a rocket into space. The only comparison you can make between this ride and a rocket's journey through space is that they are both dark. Space Mountain puts you in a rocket shaped rollercoaster car and takes you on a slightly faster than Thunder Mountain journey around sharp turns and giant drops of over 10 feet! THIS RIDE LOOKS TOO INTENSE FOR ME! After a 2 minute ride you get off Space Mountain and thank Jew Walt himself you didn't fall asleep before exiting the ride. Splash Mountain is the last beacon of hope. It's like when you see a terrible movie and hope that one of the actress's tits falls out. The movie was still awful, but there was a nipple! Anyway, Splash Mountain is a log flume water ride with a big drop. Unlike every other Magic Kingdom ride, this does provide thrills and excitement. However, the thrills and excitement are drowned out by a bunch of robot forest creatures that pop out of holes and yell shit at you during the "storytelling" portion of the ride. You don't know where to look first. There is too much going on and by the time you get to the big drop, you have a migraine and you'll long for inclusion into the Disney employee suicide bonfire after the park closes. It's time to head home. So glad you have I-4 to look forward to.
Food and souvenirs:
Before you get into the Magic Kingdom, you have already donated $130 per person into the Jewsney Walt Mickey fund. Unfortunately, human beings require food and water to survive. Placed around the park are restaurants which sell meals and drinks for people who are about to die of a heat stroke. "Given how pricey admission to the park is, at least the food should be good." Heh, c'mon. Really? Just how retarded are you? The quality of the food reminds me of McDonald's and Burger King, except once the food is done cooking, it's dropped on the ground and kicked around for 25 minutes. Unlike normal fast food places, a meal at a Disney park will cost your family of 4 at least $65 and good fucking luck finding somewhere to sit. There is so much salt in this edible cardboard, you'll get thirsty during the day. At least the Magic Kingdom had water fountains. Unfortunately those water fountains are hidden by trees, pedophile mascots or a sea of tourists and you'll eventually buy a bottle of water for $10 instead of hiking over to a water fountain and now without buying a single souvenir for your kids, you are up to about $150 per person after just 1 meal.
Now on to the souvenirs. The Magic Kingdom has many souvenir shops and stalls in which you can buy overpriced pins, stuffed animals, toys etc. Your kids will give you a hard time, so go ahead and buy them a collectors pin for $20 each. Before they can even look at and enjoy their pin, some 45 year old autist will run over to your kids and ask to trade pins with them. These are affectionately known as "Pinheads" by Disney and keep Disney's bottom line looking impressive because they have a collection of about 1000 pins that literally sit in their mom's basement next to their bed collecting dust. This review is already long enough, so the rest of the souvenirs will be filed under the "expensive, useless shit" category.
Last but not least, there are Disney's own "Yuro detectors". Want to spot a Yuropean tourist ASAP? Look for a spray fan. These $30 handheld fans are essential to Yuros who cannot deal with the Florida heat and think this little piece of shit will help. Spray fans are little personal fans that you can carry in your hand and have air blown into your face. For extra cooling, you can spray a mist of water in your face which is stored in a tiny bottle connected to the fan. Guess what, Yurotards? Orlando is hot, and that water isn't staying cold. After 2 sprays, the bottle needs to be filled up again. Better hit up those water fountains....oh wait. Guess you're going to be buying extra bottles of water all day, faggot.
Final Verdict:
As you can probably tell, the Magic Kingdom is awful. Anyone who thinks this is a good theme park either has never been to one before or is a Yuropoor that has been to a European Disney theme park. I give the Magic Kingdom a 240/50. This stands for the amount of dosh you dropped for 1 person during a day at the Magic Kingdom vs the amount of shekels you wanted to spend.
Location:
The Magic Kingdom is located in Bay Lake, Florida as a part of Walt Disney's World Resort. Bay Lake is a just a random name given to all the empty space outside of Orlando prior to the Disney Parks moving in. Basically, we're talking Orlando here; a place where dreams come true and magical events take place. At least that's what tourists believe. In reality, Orlando is a place where nightmares come true and horrible crimes take place. The family vacation capital of the world is also the "Don't you dare visit anywhere that isn't a theme park" capital of the world. That is, unless you have a desire to get stabbed and have your car stolen. If so, visit beautiful Orlando, Florida! If you are driving to the Magic Kingdom because you are close by or because you don't want to drop the dosh for plane tickets (retarded once you realize how much you'll spend at the park), you eventually have to get onto I-4. For those of you who have never driven on Interstate 4, let me give you a brief synopsis.
I-4 is a stretch of highway that goes from just outside of Daytona Beach, to Tampa. How is such a short highway so infamous, you ask? According to the latest census, upwards of 19 million people live in Florida. At any given time, 76.4 million cars are driving on I-4. I live 2 hours from Orlando (with no traffic) but the thought of getting onto I-4 makes me wish there was a direct flight from Palm Coast to Orlando. I-4 runs right through downtown Orlando to get to all of the theme parks, including the #based Universal/Islands of Adventure, there is no other way to go. We have all been on roads with traffic so densely packed, you feel like an anchovy packed in one of those gold colored tins. Now imagine all of the anchovies 2 inches away from you are travelling at 75 miles per hour (69938 Millimeters per Kilowatt for all the Yuros). By the time you finally get yourself and your family to the Magic Kingdom, you'll be ready to shoot yourself. Never fear, can only get better...r-r-right? ;__;
Upon Arrival:
There is nothing quite like driving up to the front gate of the Magic Kingdom for the first time. The wonder and excitement kids feel when they first see the front gate is simply magical. This magic is quickly drowned out when dad realizes he'll have to pay $20 to park the car in this giant parking lot for the day. Young children often learn a few magical words that dad is shouting at this time. Man, he must be just as excited as they are. Once you pass the gate, the Disney parking lot attendants, who are paid minimum wage to stand on pavement in Florida heat all day, usher you as quickly as possible to the nearest empty spot. How nice of them, they don't bullshit you at all. They want you to get inside the park and have fun ASAP. In reality, the quicker you park, the quicker you can start spending your life savings.
Once you park, and get what you need for the day out of the car, a tram will pick you up at a predetermined destination and drive you quickly to the monorail, which will speed you directly to the Magic Kingdom. (after making a stop or two to pick up the Shekel family who have saved enough money to stay in an actual Disney hotel) Hold on to your assholes, people! The monorail is the fastest ride you will get on all day. Ironic in this is that you will ride the monorail twice during your day. Once to get in the park, and once to get the fuck out. In both instances you will experience the same level of purpose to get on the monorail as quickly as possible. "No way Dicksss! Space, Thunder and Splash Mountain are way faster!" Think again, Pencildick! The monorail travels at an earth shattering 40-50 mph and gets you to the Magic Kingdom in no time. LET THE FUN BEGIN.....
Attractions and Rides:
Once you get off the monorail, welcome to MainStreet, USA! King Jew Disney himself modeled MainStreet after small town America of the 1950s. The park opened in 1971, and MainStreet looks like it hasn't been changed since. Before you even buy your ticket and get into the Magic Kingdom, Jew Disney wanted you to spend money in overpriced stores and restaurants. At least they were kind enough to put these places outside of the park itself because the Magic Kingdom is all about family fun! I bet you believe that pigs can fly, money doesn't buy happiness and May's little brother Max is a cool guy. Fuck you, Max. Located in the distance, at the end of MainStreet is Cinderella's Castle. (pictured above) It really is a well built and amazing structure, I'm not even kidding. Your first thought upon seeing it from a distance is, "Man, I want to go in there". 15 years ago this was possible. In fact, it was necessary. Guests to the park would walk through and under Cinderella's castle to the park admission ticket gates. Under the castle were convenient areas to pick up a park map, purchase a locker to put your bags in, and get a stroller for your young kids if necessary. Disney officials, however, saw this as a missed opportunity. They closed the castle off to the general population. "Dicksss, don't tell me I have to pay to get in there now." DING DING DING! YOU GOT IT, NUMBNUTS! You want to have dinner in the castle restaurant? You want to meet Cinderella? Yea???? FORK UP THOSE SHEKELS (and pay again for dinner and souvenirs once inside)! The next stop, prior to the ticket gates is the security check. Disgruntled employees fondle you and your bags to make sure you don't smuggle in any water or food. They don't care if you are diabetic and need a piece of fruit or water to stay conscious during the day. Fuck you, buy it in the park for $10 a pop. Weapons and drugs are fine to bring in, as long as you share them with a Disney employee that wants to commit Sudoku.
Enough about MainStreet. You fight through the mass of people at the security check and arrive at the ticket gates. You know that bonus you just got for being at your company 10 years? Kiss that nigger goodbye. After handing over $500 of hard-earned money for tickets for your family of 4, you are finally inside! LET THE FUN BEGIN....pls. Disney is split up into various zones, each with a unique theme and rides to fit said theme. These are, in no particular order, Adventureland, Frontierland, Tomorrowland. Liberty Square, Fantasyland, Storybook Circus and the Enchanted Forest. Here's a brief rundown of each area.
Adventureland is designed to mimic the most exotic places on the planet. Unfortunately, it fails miserably. True to it's name however, it sure is an adventure to try and get through a sea of people to find a ride. Frontierland is meant to represent the cowboys and Indians of the old American West. This is quite possibly the most boring and horribly themed area in any theme park I have ever been to, and I have seen a rollercoaster themed around dog shit. Youtube it. It exists. Liberty Square is based off of the American Revolution and allows you to do just what you can to Disney to accomplish. You can learn about history! $110 for this shit? BELIEVE IT!. Of note, Liberty Square for some reason does include the Haunted Mansion ride which is like finding a quarter in a pile of rusty knives. Tomorrowland is a representation of the future and includes a ride (The carousel of Progress) that shows you what the world will be like in the future...which is apparently the year 2000. What the actual fuck? Fantasyland is the result of an autistic child painting a bunch of buildings however he fucking pleased. Unfortunately he only had pink and purple paint. Fantasyland makes you want to go back home and play with your daughter's Barbie dolls so you can feel like more of a man. The Enchanted Forest and Storybook Circus are new additions to the Magic Kingdom built out of panic once the Disney execs saw how amazing the Harry Potter additions to Universal/IOA were. This is also a way for them to jew the prices up even more.
All of these areas in the park include your cookie cutter boring kids rides that are hidden well by various pedophiles dressed up as Disney characters or the surround gift shop the ride is located in. After waiting in line for at least 45 minutes for each ride, you realize none of these are worth more than 2 minutes of your time. You take a look at the map and see "Thunder mountain, Space mountain, and Splash mountain". "These look fun, kids! Let's head over there". Thunder Mountain is a runaway train ride built around various rock formations on a track that weaves in and out of small gaps. TIME FOR SOME FUCKING FUN! Not so fast, spunktits. Thunder Mountain was designed after a crazy runaway train that happens to go as fast as Usain Bolt can run. Such excitement. Ok fine, that was a massive disappointment, so lets head over to Space Mountain. Space Mountain is a compact rollercoaster built in a dome structure and it simulates the launching of a rocket into space. The only comparison you can make between this ride and a rocket's journey through space is that they are both dark. Space Mountain puts you in a rocket shaped rollercoaster car and takes you on a slightly faster than Thunder Mountain journey around sharp turns and giant drops of over 10 feet! THIS RIDE LOOKS TOO INTENSE FOR ME! After a 2 minute ride you get off Space Mountain and thank Jew Walt himself you didn't fall asleep before exiting the ride. Splash Mountain is the last beacon of hope. It's like when you see a terrible movie and hope that one of the actress's tits falls out. The movie was still awful, but there was a nipple! Anyway, Splash Mountain is a log flume water ride with a big drop. Unlike every other Magic Kingdom ride, this does provide thrills and excitement. However, the thrills and excitement are drowned out by a bunch of robot forest creatures that pop out of holes and yell shit at you during the "storytelling" portion of the ride. You don't know where to look first. There is too much going on and by the time you get to the big drop, you have a migraine and you'll long for inclusion into the Disney employee suicide bonfire after the park closes. It's time to head home. So glad you have I-4 to look forward to.
Food and souvenirs:
Before you get into the Magic Kingdom, you have already donated $130 per person into the Jewsney Walt Mickey fund. Unfortunately, human beings require food and water to survive. Placed around the park are restaurants which sell meals and drinks for people who are about to die of a heat stroke. "Given how pricey admission to the park is, at least the food should be good." Heh, c'mon. Really? Just how retarded are you? The quality of the food reminds me of McDonald's and Burger King, except once the food is done cooking, it's dropped on the ground and kicked around for 25 minutes. Unlike normal fast food places, a meal at a Disney park will cost your family of 4 at least $65 and good fucking luck finding somewhere to sit. There is so much salt in this edible cardboard, you'll get thirsty during the day. At least the Magic Kingdom had water fountains. Unfortunately those water fountains are hidden by trees, pedophile mascots or a sea of tourists and you'll eventually buy a bottle of water for $10 instead of hiking over to a water fountain and now without buying a single souvenir for your kids, you are up to about $150 per person after just 1 meal.
Now on to the souvenirs. The Magic Kingdom has many souvenir shops and stalls in which you can buy overpriced pins, stuffed animals, toys etc. Your kids will give you a hard time, so go ahead and buy them a collectors pin for $20 each. Before they can even look at and enjoy their pin, some 45 year old autist will run over to your kids and ask to trade pins with them. These are affectionately known as "Pinheads" by Disney and keep Disney's bottom line looking impressive because they have a collection of about 1000 pins that literally sit in their mom's basement next to their bed collecting dust. This review is already long enough, so the rest of the souvenirs will be filed under the "expensive, useless shit" category.
Last but not least, there are Disney's own "Yuro detectors". Want to spot a Yuropean tourist ASAP? Look for a spray fan. These $30 handheld fans are essential to Yuros who cannot deal with the Florida heat and think this little piece of shit will help. Spray fans are little personal fans that you can carry in your hand and have air blown into your face. For extra cooling, you can spray a mist of water in your face which is stored in a tiny bottle connected to the fan. Guess what, Yurotards? Orlando is hot, and that water isn't staying cold. After 2 sprays, the bottle needs to be filled up again. Better hit up those water fountains....oh wait. Guess you're going to be buying extra bottles of water all day, faggot.
Final Verdict:
As you can probably tell, the Magic Kingdom is awful. Anyone who thinks this is a good theme park either has never been to one before or is a Yuropoor that has been to a European Disney theme park. I give the Magic Kingdom a 240/50. This stands for the amount of dosh you dropped for 1 person during a day at the Magic Kingdom vs the amount of shekels you wanted to spend.