We've made it to Gen VI here on Dicksss Reviews. This review might be shorter than the previous 5 because, well, there are only 2 games to review at this point (it won't be a short review, trust me. I'm bullshitting). Perhaps, we'll get a pokemon Z in the future. Who the fuck knows? The Jewtendo 3ds was released early in 2011 to the masses and inevitably, the pokemon series would have to move into the 3d handheld whirl. At this time, based on the patterns of remakes in gens 3 and 4, it was finally time for HOENN CONFIRMED! Pokemon Redonkulous Ruby and Shiggydiggy Sapphire would be the first pokemon games on the 3ds and would finally get all of the changes they desperately needed. In early January 2013 it was announced that a special edition of Nintendo Direct would air with a huge announcement for the pokemon series. People were going batshit over the idea of returning to the land of water trumpets. January 8th rolls around and Nintendo direct starts with some JapJap speaking and a surprise Pikachu. Then the swerve of all swerves shocked the pokemon whirl. We were getting brand new games, in a brand new region and it would be a worldwide release. That's right, the Japs weren't getting their hands on these games before the rest of us. It was all hepnding at once, with no spoilers. No spoilers? Heh, there were some people, at the time, that didn't think there would be any spoilers. Fucking idiots. Pokemon X and Y were released worldwide on October 12, 2013. I really didn't want to get a 3ds just for a pokemon game, but I caved and I preordered X. X masterrace. Now, we look at what Kalos brought to the table.
What's new?
- 72 new pokemon, including only 6 new legendaries. Not having 90324758903 new legendaries was a nice change in my onion. This brings our total to 721 pokemon. (I am counting Diancie, Volcanion and Hoopa, but these are sekrit. I'm not supposed to know about these, right Gamefreak?) Oops, someone found a lot of shit before Gamefreak wanted them to...
- A new type! What is it? Sound? Light? Nope, it's fairy type, for all the faggots. 99% of fairies are pink and cute. What better way to balance the power of dragons than by making things that would get completely destroyed by them if pokemon actually did exist. Yes, Garchomp would be rekt by cotton candy. I bet you think the Holocaust was real.
- 54 new moves, and some existing ones that were reclassified as fairy type. That brings the total to 613. Enough already.
- Mega evolutions. We Digimon now? More on this bullshit later on.
- Updated 3d sprites and models for every pokemon. Everything has gotten a 3d facelift
- Super training, which now makes it easy to see a pokemon's EVs and you can play minigames to train up EVs. Autism has never been this easy!
- The Pokemon Amie, which allows you to pet, play with and feed your pokemon up close and personal. Of course, now the faggots can touch their favorite furry monsters in the naughty zones to see whether the pokemon like it as much as they do. WHY?
- The Wonder Trade, in which you put one of your pokemon up for trade and get a random one back from a person that could be anywhere in the world. Expect a lot of JapJap shitmons. Fucking assholes.
- New bad guys, Team Flare. These guys are as retarded as any other evil team, but they are much more fabulous.
- Friend safaris, which are unique to each player and can be visited by people you have shared your friend codes with. You can find pokemon in each person's safari that might be difficult to catch otherwise.
- A new region, Kalos. The Kalos region is based off of the beauty of France, though there are no nudist beaches and thankfully Jewtendo hasn't developed smellovision technology. French people are not fans of bathing.
- Rollerblades are now a thing. Why? Well, because who early 90s here?
- Player customization. This includes clothes, skin and hair color. Gamefreak was only about 10 years too late with this.
- Weather effects all end after a certain amount of turns now.
- You can ride certain pokemon in certain areas. For transportation, not fornication. What the fuck is wrong with you people?
- You can move diagonally now. Thank you Jeebs Arceus almighty.
- You can sit on benches. Almost 20 years later, and people in the Pokemon whirl have finally learned how to sit down.
- The pokemon bank, which for a small amount of shekels per month allows you to store up to 3000 pokemon. 3000? Good lord, the fuck are you people doing with your time?
There are more new features, but at this point in the week, I'm getting sick of this shit.
Mega Evolutions
I mentioned mega evolutions earlier and now it's time to dive into just what they are and how this bullshit happens. Mega Evolutions were Gamefreak's way of giving pokemon an extra boost, and one would think, they gave this right exclusively to pokemon who weren't appreciated or used enough. Think again, assholes. A lot of the megas didn't need a mega because they were powerful enough as it was. Mewtwo, Scizor and Garchomp are a few that come to mind immediately. In fact, despite the stat boost, Scizor and Garchomp become worse. The first mega pokemon that was leaked was Mega Mewtwo Y, and when I first saw it, my thought was "es fake". There was no way. It had a fucking tail growing out of its head. They took arguably the best legendary pokemon, and easily one of the most badass pokemon overall in the series, and made it really shitty looking. WHYYY? Later on, once more mega evolutions were revealed, I realized that mega mewtwo y actually wasn't that bad. That should let you know how shitty most of them are. "So Dicksss, how does mega evolution work?" Hold your horsea (:DDD fugg XD upboat this simply epin maymay) nigger, I'm getting to that. A trainer must wear a mega ring around their wrist, and yes, I'm aware how retarded this is. Rings are for fingers, bracelets are for wrists. Whatever. The mega ring activates with a corresponding mega stone and the key ring, to make certain pokemon mega evolve in battle. This is only a temporary evolution which just occurs during a battle (totally not like digivolving at all, amirite?) and the pokemon goes back to its previous form after the battle ends.
Now we get to the actual megas themselves. Almost all of the megas are horribly overdesigned and to tell you the truth, look like a terrible joke. There are some that are actually pretty great. Mega Mawile (should have been an actual evolution), in my opinion is the best designed of all the megas, and mega Kangaskhan (which went from forgotten to banned universally...fucking parental bond), Pinsir, and Ampharos are all really nice looking. Then there is the decent-tier of mega designs where the kanto starter mons reside (why did Charizard get 2 forms?), Gengar, Gyarados, Tyranitar, KFC and Medicham. The rest are short-bus retarded or completely unnecessary (garchomp, latias/os etc). I mean, some are just downright god-awful. Mega Mewtwo X, Heracross and Absol come immediately to mind, but there is one that takes the drool bucket cake in my opinion.
What's new?
- 72 new pokemon, including only 6 new legendaries. Not having 90324758903 new legendaries was a nice change in my onion. This brings our total to 721 pokemon. (I am counting Diancie, Volcanion and Hoopa, but these are sekrit. I'm not supposed to know about these, right Gamefreak?) Oops, someone found a lot of shit before Gamefreak wanted them to...
- A new type! What is it? Sound? Light? Nope, it's fairy type, for all the faggots. 99% of fairies are pink and cute. What better way to balance the power of dragons than by making things that would get completely destroyed by them if pokemon actually did exist. Yes, Garchomp would be rekt by cotton candy. I bet you think the Holocaust was real.
- 54 new moves, and some existing ones that were reclassified as fairy type. That brings the total to 613. Enough already.
- Mega evolutions. We Digimon now? More on this bullshit later on.
- Updated 3d sprites and models for every pokemon. Everything has gotten a 3d facelift
- Super training, which now makes it easy to see a pokemon's EVs and you can play minigames to train up EVs. Autism has never been this easy!
- The Pokemon Amie, which allows you to pet, play with and feed your pokemon up close and personal. Of course, now the faggots can touch their favorite furry monsters in the naughty zones to see whether the pokemon like it as much as they do. WHY?
- The Wonder Trade, in which you put one of your pokemon up for trade and get a random one back from a person that could be anywhere in the world. Expect a lot of JapJap shitmons. Fucking assholes.
- New bad guys, Team Flare. These guys are as retarded as any other evil team, but they are much more fabulous.
- Friend safaris, which are unique to each player and can be visited by people you have shared your friend codes with. You can find pokemon in each person's safari that might be difficult to catch otherwise.
- A new region, Kalos. The Kalos region is based off of the beauty of France, though there are no nudist beaches and thankfully Jewtendo hasn't developed smellovision technology. French people are not fans of bathing.
- Rollerblades are now a thing. Why? Well, because who early 90s here?
- Player customization. This includes clothes, skin and hair color. Gamefreak was only about 10 years too late with this.
- Weather effects all end after a certain amount of turns now.
- You can ride certain pokemon in certain areas. For transportation, not fornication. What the fuck is wrong with you people?
- You can move diagonally now. Thank you Jeebs Arceus almighty.
- You can sit on benches. Almost 20 years later, and people in the Pokemon whirl have finally learned how to sit down.
- The pokemon bank, which for a small amount of shekels per month allows you to store up to 3000 pokemon. 3000? Good lord, the fuck are you people doing with your time?
There are more new features, but at this point in the week, I'm getting sick of this shit.
Mega Evolutions
I mentioned mega evolutions earlier and now it's time to dive into just what they are and how this bullshit happens. Mega Evolutions were Gamefreak's way of giving pokemon an extra boost, and one would think, they gave this right exclusively to pokemon who weren't appreciated or used enough. Think again, assholes. A lot of the megas didn't need a mega because they were powerful enough as it was. Mewtwo, Scizor and Garchomp are a few that come to mind immediately. In fact, despite the stat boost, Scizor and Garchomp become worse. The first mega pokemon that was leaked was Mega Mewtwo Y, and when I first saw it, my thought was "es fake". There was no way. It had a fucking tail growing out of its head. They took arguably the best legendary pokemon, and easily one of the most badass pokemon overall in the series, and made it really shitty looking. WHYYY? Later on, once more mega evolutions were revealed, I realized that mega mewtwo y actually wasn't that bad. That should let you know how shitty most of them are. "So Dicksss, how does mega evolution work?" Hold your horsea (:DDD fugg XD upboat this simply epin maymay) nigger, I'm getting to that. A trainer must wear a mega ring around their wrist, and yes, I'm aware how retarded this is. Rings are for fingers, bracelets are for wrists. Whatever. The mega ring activates with a corresponding mega stone and the key ring, to make certain pokemon mega evolve in battle. This is only a temporary evolution which just occurs during a battle (totally not like digivolving at all, amirite?) and the pokemon goes back to its previous form after the battle ends.
Now we get to the actual megas themselves. Almost all of the megas are horribly overdesigned and to tell you the truth, look like a terrible joke. There are some that are actually pretty great. Mega Mawile (should have been an actual evolution), in my opinion is the best designed of all the megas, and mega Kangaskhan (which went from forgotten to banned universally...fucking parental bond), Pinsir, and Ampharos are all really nice looking. Then there is the decent-tier of mega designs where the kanto starter mons reside (why did Charizard get 2 forms?), Gengar, Gyarados, Tyranitar, KFC and Medicham. The rest are short-bus retarded or completely unnecessary (garchomp, latias/os etc). I mean, some are just downright god-awful. Mega Mewtwo X, Heracross and Absol come immediately to mind, but there is one that takes the drool bucket cake in my opinion.
I still am not convinced that what I am looking at is real. ES FAKE! Regardless, I appreciate that Gamefreak was trying to make a big change and shake things up a bit, but the whole mega evolution thing could have been executed a lot better.
Pokemon X and Y
Now it's time to actually look at the games themselves. As is tradition, you choose whether you are a boy or grill, you meet Professor Sycamore (lel, trees) and you choose your starter. The starter choices this time around are Chespin, Froakie and Fennekin. Fennekin is the faggot version of vulpix. It's a little fire type fox and evolves into a furfaggot witch. No thanks. Froakie is the water type and is basically a ninja frog. Froakie seems like a nice guy, maybe I'll start a run with Smogon frog at some point. Then you get to Chespin. Chespin is my favorite starter in any pokemon game. He's a cute little motherfucker that evolves into a tank. When the games were announced, the 3 starters were shown at the end of the video and I was immediately drawn to Chespin. He is muh Kalos bro 5lyfe. Anyway, you have a group of friends this time around along with your rival and you all set out on a trip to become pokemon masters. Your friends are: Tierno (a fat faggot), Trevor (an autist ginger) and Shauna (a grill Gamefreak looked like they wanted to make black and just settled for spray tan skin). Again, you have to go around Kalos collecting 8 badges and eventually battle the Elite 4.
The gym leaders in Kalos are as follows: Viola (bugs), who is the best grill in Kalos, Grant (rock), a nigga rock climber, Korrina (fighting), a rollerblading grill, Ramos (grass), an old man everyone seems to forget (he probably forgets everyone also), Clemont (electric), who likes to build gadgets and shit, Valerie (fairy) who has alien eyes and an unsettlingly thin neck, Olympia (psychic) a woman who has a cape with stars in it (the fuck?), and Wulfric (ice) a fat old guy that was apparently born in the ice age, when the name Wulfric was acceptable. The Kalos elite 4 consists of Wikstrom (steel), Malva (fire, she's hawt XDXD lel), Drasna (dragon) and Siebold (water). Huh, Siebold was the name of the guy that used to coach my high school's basketball team. He got busted for watching porn at school. Wonder what he's up to these days. The champion is none other than ol' caterpillar eyebrows herself, Diantha. She's related to Cynthia and that is a really useless bit of information. Diantha is shitty. She looks shitty, she's a terrible champion and relies on a fucking mega Gardevoir. What a cunt.
Ok, I've put it off long enough, what's with this Team Flare? Well, along with winning badges and beating the elite 4, you have to deal with the evil Team Flare and boy are these faggots fabulous. Their leader is Lysandre and Team Flare's goal at first seems to be making dosh off of pokemon. Gamefreak seemed to remember that they already did this with Team Rocket, so they gave Team Flare an even more ridiculous reason for existing. It is later revealed that their desire for beauty extends worldwide and they wish to wipe out humanity and civilization to keep the planet in its pristine and beautiful state. They want to find mega stones and try and control the legendary Xerenas and Yveltal (the edgiest of birds) in order to power a weapon that will allow them to do this. Some old guy named Az (short for Arizona? I dunno) is somehow involved, I guess Team Flare sees him as being important to their plans. Regardless of what Az is doing in the game, this is possibly the most ridiculous thing an evil team has every tried to do in a pokemon game. Yes, lets wipe out all of humanity and civilization so we can all enjoy how beautiful earth is. We'll do this with some kind of big weapon, that I'm sure will do no damage to the beautiful planet you want to preserve. Just how retarded are these people? I can't wait until the world is pure and beautiful so that no one will be around to enjoy it. God dammit, Gamefreak. You fucking did it again.
After beating the elite 4 and smacking the caterpillars right off Diantha's stupid face, you can take your talents all the way over to the Battle Maison. You do a lot of battling and you can win prizes and rare items and doodats. Just make sure you are prepared to throw shit. This is the most frustrating place in any pokemon game in existence. Just wait until you get a nice 50 match winning streak going when you go up against a trainer that has somehow figured out a way to have hyper beam hit every turn or has found a way to teach their pokemon toxic that does 100 base damage along with badly poisoning you. I swer, the AI cheats in this fucking Maison. Aside from this horseshit, Looker again returns, and has a set of mysteries for you to help him with. Thank you #based Looker.
The Kalos Region
So, Kalos is based off of France and if that's not obvious to someone, then I'm not sure how you were able to figure out how to tie your shoes or wipe your ass after you shit (always go front to back. If you don't, you will probably wipe shit on your balls). Thanks to the capabilities of the 3ds, Kalos a pretty big, diverse and nice looking region. Here's what we are looking at:
Pokemon X and Y
Now it's time to actually look at the games themselves. As is tradition, you choose whether you are a boy or grill, you meet Professor Sycamore (lel, trees) and you choose your starter. The starter choices this time around are Chespin, Froakie and Fennekin. Fennekin is the faggot version of vulpix. It's a little fire type fox and evolves into a furfaggot witch. No thanks. Froakie is the water type and is basically a ninja frog. Froakie seems like a nice guy, maybe I'll start a run with Smogon frog at some point. Then you get to Chespin. Chespin is my favorite starter in any pokemon game. He's a cute little motherfucker that evolves into a tank. When the games were announced, the 3 starters were shown at the end of the video and I was immediately drawn to Chespin. He is muh Kalos bro 5lyfe. Anyway, you have a group of friends this time around along with your rival and you all set out on a trip to become pokemon masters. Your friends are: Tierno (a fat faggot), Trevor (an autist ginger) and Shauna (a grill Gamefreak looked like they wanted to make black and just settled for spray tan skin). Again, you have to go around Kalos collecting 8 badges and eventually battle the Elite 4.
The gym leaders in Kalos are as follows: Viola (bugs), who is the best grill in Kalos, Grant (rock), a nigga rock climber, Korrina (fighting), a rollerblading grill, Ramos (grass), an old man everyone seems to forget (he probably forgets everyone also), Clemont (electric), who likes to build gadgets and shit, Valerie (fairy) who has alien eyes and an unsettlingly thin neck, Olympia (psychic) a woman who has a cape with stars in it (the fuck?), and Wulfric (ice) a fat old guy that was apparently born in the ice age, when the name Wulfric was acceptable. The Kalos elite 4 consists of Wikstrom (steel), Malva (fire, she's hawt XDXD lel), Drasna (dragon) and Siebold (water). Huh, Siebold was the name of the guy that used to coach my high school's basketball team. He got busted for watching porn at school. Wonder what he's up to these days. The champion is none other than ol' caterpillar eyebrows herself, Diantha. She's related to Cynthia and that is a really useless bit of information. Diantha is shitty. She looks shitty, she's a terrible champion and relies on a fucking mega Gardevoir. What a cunt.
Ok, I've put it off long enough, what's with this Team Flare? Well, along with winning badges and beating the elite 4, you have to deal with the evil Team Flare and boy are these faggots fabulous. Their leader is Lysandre and Team Flare's goal at first seems to be making dosh off of pokemon. Gamefreak seemed to remember that they already did this with Team Rocket, so they gave Team Flare an even more ridiculous reason for existing. It is later revealed that their desire for beauty extends worldwide and they wish to wipe out humanity and civilization to keep the planet in its pristine and beautiful state. They want to find mega stones and try and control the legendary Xerenas and Yveltal (the edgiest of birds) in order to power a weapon that will allow them to do this. Some old guy named Az (short for Arizona? I dunno) is somehow involved, I guess Team Flare sees him as being important to their plans. Regardless of what Az is doing in the game, this is possibly the most ridiculous thing an evil team has every tried to do in a pokemon game. Yes, lets wipe out all of humanity and civilization so we can all enjoy how beautiful earth is. We'll do this with some kind of big weapon, that I'm sure will do no damage to the beautiful planet you want to preserve. Just how retarded are these people? I can't wait until the world is pure and beautiful so that no one will be around to enjoy it. God dammit, Gamefreak. You fucking did it again.
After beating the elite 4 and smacking the caterpillars right off Diantha's stupid face, you can take your talents all the way over to the Battle Maison. You do a lot of battling and you can win prizes and rare items and doodats. Just make sure you are prepared to throw shit. This is the most frustrating place in any pokemon game in existence. Just wait until you get a nice 50 match winning streak going when you go up against a trainer that has somehow figured out a way to have hyper beam hit every turn or has found a way to teach their pokemon toxic that does 100 base damage along with badly poisoning you. I swer, the AI cheats in this fucking Maison. Aside from this horseshit, Looker again returns, and has a set of mysteries for you to help him with. Thank you #based Looker.
The Kalos Region
So, Kalos is based off of France and if that's not obvious to someone, then I'm not sure how you were able to figure out how to tie your shoes or wipe your ass after you shit (always go front to back. If you don't, you will probably wipe shit on your balls). Thanks to the capabilities of the 3ds, Kalos a pretty big, diverse and nice looking region. Here's what we are looking at:
The first thing that jumps out at me when I look at this is all the rivers. I prefer rivers over giant bodies of water that seemingly never end. From left to right you have Coastal Kalos, Central Kalos and Mountain Kalos. It's not hard to figure out that different pokemon inhabit the different regions. In Kalos, you have a nice mix of mountain towns, towns by the water, larger cities, rural towns, a snowy city, a resort city, and smack dab in the middle, you have Lumiose city. This city is fucking gigantic. It makes Castelia look like Rhode Island. Holy shit, there is so much going on in Lumiose, people need a map just for the city itself. In Lumiose, there are shops, a museum, restaurants, a gym, the Prism (Eiffel) Tower, Sycamore's lab and plenty of other buildings and places to explore and buy shit. It can be overwhelming when you first get there. Aside from the cities, there is a forest, plenty of caves, other sightseeing tourist traps like towers and palaces, a power plant, a bay, a pokeball factory and a spoopy hotel. There are other neat places to discover in Kalos, but you can go ahead and do that yourself. Overall, its a big region with a lot to do, but unlike Sinnoh, I don't have nightmares about trying to figure out where everything is.
Final Verdict
As you have seen through the other 5 reviews, I have like the odd # gens and disliked the even ones so far. "So Dicksss, I guess you hated Gen VI, right?" SWERVE, TWEEEST, FUCK OFF! Nah, I actually rather enjoyed Pokemon X, but for now I give gen VI an incomplete/10. The general consensus is that their is more to come from the Kalos region. I don't know if this means Pokemon Z, or a bunch of downloadable content (pls just give us Z), but I'm curious to see how this goes forward and when Hoenn actually does get confirmed.
Now, I know you guys have been asking for a while, and it's finally fucking time to let the waiting game end. You better write this down and never ask me again. Dicksss' friend code is:
Final Verdict
As you have seen through the other 5 reviews, I have like the odd # gens and disliked the even ones so far. "So Dicksss, I guess you hated Gen VI, right?" SWERVE, TWEEEST, FUCK OFF! Nah, I actually rather enjoyed Pokemon X, but for now I give gen VI an incomplete/10. The general consensus is that their is more to come from the Kalos region. I don't know if this means Pokemon Z, or a bunch of downloadable content (pls just give us Z), but I'm curious to see how this goes forward and when Hoenn actually does get confirmed.
Now, I know you guys have been asking for a while, and it's finally fucking time to let the waiting game end. You better write this down and never ask me again. Dicksss' friend code is: